Thank you for clarifying how little I matter to you. Your lack of concern and care, verified what I already knew. Thank you.

I am far too familiar with the feeling, whether it be real or imagined that I don't matter.
It's mother's day, One of my children finally got around to telling me "Happy mother's day" about 8:30 tonight. I do alot for the people I care about, and honestly expect nothing back. But there are times when adults are the worse about "me! me! me!" and it's my fault, I oblige them, hell, I even go out of my way to make them happy for themselves. But that's the thing, I guess I give too much, and they think it's ok, not to acknowledge anybody, or try to make others feel special. As long as they are made to feel special, that's all that matters."take care of me!" "baby me!" "listen to me whine and cry about my problems!" and when I need, where is everybody? Reveling in the adoration I've given them. It's not news, this is just the same old story, I just haven't learned yet. I am too giving, and people expect that from me. They don't expect I need anything! That's preposterous! I must be happy and content to be so generous with my feelings, attention, and thoughtfullness! Surely Becky needs nothing!
Whatever, I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm on my own. I've tried to share myself, and ask for what I need, but I only get cold shoulders due to selfish pride. Which tells me, that I mean less to people than their pride, I take a backseat. I get it.Your hurt means more than mine, I get it! I SO GET IT!! EVERYBODY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME!! I got it, and I understand. Who am I? Not anybody important, just another warm body wandering the earth trying to figure where I belong, what is my purpose, and who am I important to. (let me rephrase, I know I am important to many becuase they NEED me, they suck me dry) What I meant to say was WHO DO I MATTER TO.
I didn't mind giving all of myself. I liked feeling wanted, needed, but I can't bear the thought of giving that much of myself anymore when I feel as if that's the ONLY reason why I'm wanted and needed, because of what I offer. I want to feel as free as everyone else to feel vulnerable, scared, weak. I want to be able to feel these things, and not feel like I have to put on a brave face because I HAVE to take care of everyone else who is feeling that way too. WHO'S THERE FOR ME?? WHO???
I can't seem to bring myself to let ANYONE know, how weak and sad I am. Selfish pride, but it's for my own protection, not to hurt anyone else.
It's fine, I'm good, I've made it through this life keeping my secrets, my pain to myself, successfully. Nobody needs to know, nor would they care. As long as I take care of them, it's all that matters.

A lesson in patience.

Is this a test of my patience? Do I wait for not? Why Am I willing to? Have I conceded to being alone, for my own reasons, or for something I foresee? If this never comes to fruition...will it bring me to something better? What am I not seeing that everyone else sees? Am I so jaded, to be so blind? Do I have the patience to bear this? How can I allow myself to settle for this situation that brings me such torment? Is it really that much bigger than me? Why are there so many questions, and no answers? Against my better judgement, I'm being led by some unseen force that has drawn me here. I am going against everything I've ever thought, believed, felt, and my own morality. Yet I am here. WHY?

Where do you sleep, and what other secrets do you keep?
How am I to know what's ok, and what goes?
I have no right to ask, what you do are your own tasks.
I am not privy to question, I am just an unspoken luxury, not to be mentioned.
I lie here in wait, for what I anticipate, but don't become too concerned, these are are lessons, that must be learned.
I bestow myself with my own torment, all the while not fighting the current.
With what I've done, I am lucidly aware. Yet I continue to carry on but in much despair.
The guilt, it consumes, as the catastrophe looms.
Indeed the end result will be disastrous, so why do we continue to let it master us?
Is it worth the torment? The pain? Or is this just another all the same?

I can die.

If I died tomorrow, I would not fear death, nor would I hold it back, but welcome it. I've known what it's like to love, I've met my worst enemy, and my best friend. I've been broken hearted, and filled with love. I've felt diblitating sorrow, and exuberant joy. I know how it feels to be needed, and I know hows it feels to be unnoticably discarded. I felt a touch so cold, it ached, and I felt the touch that warmed me all over my being. I know how it feels to acheive, and to lose. I'm aware of the welling of pride in the heart, and the hard blow of shame. I know the innocence of a tiny voice calling to mommy, and I know the voice of a half grown man cursing. I've witnessed innocence and decadence, my own, and others. I know the comfort of trust, and the stabbing pain of betrayal. In this life, I have felt, seen, and known all there is to. I have nothing left to see, feel, or do here.

I'm trying so had to find my own way. I feel the impending breakdown. With a lump in my throat, and a wet face, I don't kow where I stand, where I am. I know I desperately need to move on, but how do it do it? How can I roll along? My heart is broken, it won't go away. I pray to wake up, and it will all be gone..... one day.

I love him, I don't know why, I shouldn't but I do. He has tormented me, ridiculed, degraded me in th most hypocritical fashion, yet I miss him. He has battled to try and take my children, my life from me, yet I still worry about him. I know there is no such thing as "forever" he taught me that, but oh, dear God, why can't I let it, him go? I woke up this morning with my wedding ring on, I don't want to take it off. I want to will him to love me. I know it's completely insane. But I hope I can do small, little things to make him love me, come back to me. I want my family back, so desperately.