dare to bare my soul

2011-05-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Thank you for clarifying how little I matter to you. Your lack of concern and care, verified what I already knew. Thank you.

2011-05-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am far too familiar with the feeling, whether it be real or imagined that I don't matter.
It's mother's day, One of my children finally got around to telling me "Happy mother's day" about 8:30 tonight. I do alot for the people I care about, and honestly expect nothing back. But there are times when adults are the worse about "me! me! me!" and it's my fault, I oblige them, hell, I even go out of my way to make them happy for themselves. But that's the thing, I guess I give too much, and they think it's ok, not to acknowledge anybody, or try to make others feel special. As long as they are made to feel special, that's all that matters."take care of me!" "baby me!" "listen to me whine and cry about my problems!" and when I need, where is everybody? Reveling in the adoration I've given them. It's not news, this is just the same old story, I just haven't learned yet. I am too giving, and people expect that from me. They don't expect I need anything! That's preposterous! I must be happy and content to be so generous with my feelings, attention, and thoughtfullness! Surely Becky needs nothing!
Whatever, I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm on my own. I've tried to share myself, and ask for what I need, but I only get cold shoulders due to selfish pride. Which tells me, that I mean less to people than their pride, I take a backseat. I get it.Your hurt means more than mine, I get it! I SO GET IT!! EVERYBODY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME!! I got it, and I understand. Who am I? Not anybody important, just another warm body wandering the earth trying to figure where I belong, what is my purpose, and who am I important to. (let me rephrase, I know I am important to many becuase they NEED me, they suck me dry) What I meant to say was WHO DO I MATTER TO.
I didn't mind giving all of myself. I liked feeling wanted, needed, but I can't bear the thought of giving that much of myself anymore when I feel as if that's the ONLY reason why I'm wanted and needed, because of what I offer. I want to feel as free as everyone else to feel vulnerable, scared, weak. I want to be able to feel these things, and not feel like I have to put on a brave face because I HAVE to take care of everyone else who is feeling that way too. WHO'S THERE FOR ME?? WHO???
I can't seem to bring myself to let ANYONE know, how weak and sad I am. Selfish pride, but it's for my own protection, not to hurt anyone else.
It's fine, I'm good, I've made it through this life keeping my secrets, my pain to myself, successfully. Nobody needs to know, nor would they care. As long as I take care of them, it's all that matters.

A lesson in patience.

2010-07-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

Is this a test of my patience? Do I wait for not? Why Am I willing to? Have I conceded to being alone, for my own reasons, or for something I foresee? If this never comes to fruition...will it bring me to something better? What am I not seeing that everyone else sees? Am I so jaded, to be so blind? Do I have the patience to bear this? How can I allow myself to settle for this situation that brings me such torment? Is it really that much bigger than me? Why are there so many questions, and no answers? Against my better judgement, I'm being led by some unseen force that has drawn me here. I am going against everything I've ever thought, believed, felt, and my own morality. Yet I am here. WHY?

2010-06-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Where do you sleep, and what other secrets do you keep?
How am I to know what's ok, and what goes?
I have no right to ask, what you do are your own tasks.
I am not privy to question, I am just an unspoken luxury, not to be mentioned.
I lie here in wait, for what I anticipate, but don't become too concerned, these are are lessons, that must be learned.
I bestow myself with my own torment, all the while not fighting the current.
With what I've done, I am lucidly aware. Yet I continue to carry on but in much despair.
The guilt, it consumes, as the catastrophe looms.
Indeed the end result will be disastrous, so why do we continue to let it master us?
Is it worth the torment? The pain? Or is this just another all the same?

I can die.

2010-04-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

If I died tomorrow, I would not fear death, nor would I hold it back, but welcome it. I've known what it's like to love, I've met my worst enemy, and my best friend. I've been broken hearted, and filled with love. I've felt diblitating sorrow, and exuberant joy. I know how it feels to be needed, and I know hows it feels to be unnoticably discarded. I felt a touch so cold, it ached, and I felt the touch that warmed me all over my being. I know how it feels to acheive, and to lose. I'm aware of the welling of pride in the heart, and the hard blow of shame. I know the innocence of a tiny voice calling to mommy, and I know the voice of a half grown man cursing. I've witnessed innocence and decadence, my own, and others. I know the comfort of trust, and the stabbing pain of betrayal. In this life, I have felt, seen, and known all there is to. I have nothing left to see, feel, or do here.

2010-01-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'm trying so had to find my own way. I feel the impending breakdown. With a lump in my throat, and a wet face, I don't kow where I stand, where I am. I know I desperately need to move on, but how do it do it? How can I roll along? My heart is broken, it won't go away. I pray to wake up, and it will all be gone..... one day.

2010-01-17T11:13:00.000-08:00

I love him, I don't know why, I shouldn't but I do. He has tormented me, ridiculed, degraded me in th most hypocritical fashion, yet I miss him. He has battled to try and take my children, my life from me, yet I still worry about him. I know there is no such thing as "forever" he taught me that, but oh, dear God, why can't I let it, him go? I woke up this morning with my wedding ring on, I don't want to take it off. I want to will him to love me. I know it's completely insane. But I hope I can do small, little things to make him love me, come back to me. I want my family back, so desperately.

Mothra

2009-10-28T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am not so empathetic anymore. everyone can suffer their own destinies by themselves. I have dedicated my life, my heart, to helping my loved ones, friends, in distress. fuck that, I about me now. The way it should have been the whole time. If I had this attitude, I woldn't had been taken for granted, or been taken advantage of so, so many fucking times. The hate is overwhelining, I didn't think I could, hate, this much. It shames me, I am sad to say it, but I have to. I absolutely have to purge. I HATE, I do, I'm not proud of it, and it's uncharactaristic of me, but I do.It's too profound for me to even speak of now. I have caught myself aback. apologies to be continued......

Irony, no one gets it.

2009-10-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

I came out of a realtionship of me, being compltetely devoting, loving and gave everything of myself. I got nothing back. not even in the face of tragedy, I dealt alone, I was alone the whole marriage, alone. Dated, I had everything emotionally, ripped from me, I had nothing, he treated me the way I wanted to be, everything I'd ever asked for in my marriage that lacked, it was there for me, I didn't want it. The next, somwhere in between, somewhat affectionate, but consumed by his own depression, I wanted him. Masochism at it's best.I actually looked up self sabotage. I am a primary, text book example. But fuck all that, I can't dwell on it, I have been thrown to the wayside so many times, because of my pure heart, or what used to be pure. I now have embraced the philosophy of "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" it pains me, because I was so proud to be the last sincere person on earth. The last pure soul, but I can't take any more blows, I just can't. Just when I think I'm good...another punch to the gut, a kick in the teeth. Fuck that. I can't do it anymore. I makes me sad because I loved that I could love so innocently, and pure, and always the optomist, I would give my soul to help, and care for people who have done me dirty, I liked that about myslef, I dare not. Not anymore fuck all you fucking assholes that made me this way. I have a taste for vengence. And because of you stupid mother fuckers....now the innocent await my wrath.

2009-10-21T15:51:00.000-07:00

100 things about me.

1. I am a single mother of four.
2. I am because I thought forever really did exsist. I know better now.
3. I wish things were different.
4. They aren't, and it's hard to adjust.
5. I don't believe in soulmates.
6. I'm a good mom, but I could be better.
7. I've lost who I am.
8. I am desperate to find myself, by myself.
9. But I still need feel, and touch to know I still exsist.
10. I've lost the compassionate part of myself that used to make me unique.
11. The disconnect is painful.
12. I'm getting too deep, moving right along.
13. I smoke.
14. I hate it.
15. I drink.
16. I hate it.
17. I love, love softball.
18. I am am eloquent writer.
19. But I need to be inspired to write well.
20. I've always wanted to be able to sing.
21. And if not, have the confidence to pretend like I can in front of people.
22. I want to learn how to play the drums.
23. I was the only one in my high school to be inducted in the "talented theatre" program, but the school board wouldn't bring a teacher in, since there was only one student.
24. I suck at math.
25. But I can do trigonometry
26. I went to college because I wanted to.
27. I worked full time as a supervisor while I went 16 hours a semester.
28. I was a single mom when I did it.
29. I play dumb because it's easier to appease the masses.
30. I've been accused of being pretentious (not the word that was used, it's clearly more than five letters) for using words that contain more than five letters. So I dumbed it down.
31. I can take a picture of anything, and find beauty in it.
32. I've wanted to be a photographer since I was 6, and got my first camera. (because I begged for one)
33. I am a masochist.
34. I'd rather focus on other's hurt, and pain, and help people, so I can sweep mine under the rug.
35. It festers.
36. I love to cook.
37. I pick my cuticles when I'm stressed.
38. I'm stressed alot, I borrow worry.
39. I love, love, love music.
40. It's around me all the time, everywhere.
41. It's theraputic, I always feel better after listening to my favorite songs.
42. I love to cook while I'm listening to music! HA! matter of fact, I can't do anything, even sleep without noise.
43. My mom is dying.
44. I love the rain.
45. Storms are a beautiful wonderment to me.
46. I despise the sun.
47. And sand.
48. I am available, yet unattainable
49. I don't have time to watch movies or TV.
50. Although, I MADE time to watch True Blood.
51. I like symphonies.
52. And literature. (I don't have time to read)
53. My parents are distant and unaffectionate, and always have been.
54. My brothers, are unfeeling, and cruel.
55. Because of 53, and 54, I make a point to praise, and be affectionate with my children.
56. I want to make sure my babies have no "issues" caused by me.
57. I desire to find someone who can return the "love" I have to offer.
58. I know I won't.
59. I have two tattoos.
60. I want more.
61. I've been having panic attacks lately.
62. They really scare me.
63. I would love to garden, but don't have time.
64. I love to kiss.
63. I hurt if I can't help someone.
64. I was cursed with empathy. To extreme levels, almost telepathic.
65. I have learned the hard way, not everyone is like me.
66. I have been pregnant 6 times.
67. I miscarried twice.
68. I dealt with them alone.
69. The only person I have lost, as of yet,that meant anything to me, was my Granny Dink, and I had to watch her suffer.
70. I'm listening to Weezer!
71. I despise fake people.
72. I despise people who can't handle people who are real.
73. I am blessed to have awesome babies.
74. I am grateful my my friends.
75. I am a Christian who believes in science too.
76. I believe everything truley does happen for a reason.
77. I believe people are brought into your life for a reason.
78. I hate misspellers! (I'm gonna spell check)
79. My younger boys have sleep disorders......they bang their heads in order to sleep (inherited from their father)
80. I have violent nightmares.
81. I take alot more crap than I should.
82. Despite 81 entries....I try to be optimistic.
83. I honestly believe there is good, in EVERYONE, I don't believe anyone is all bad.
84. My sincerity is taken as fake, and condescending.
85. It makes me mad.
86. People don't believe in sincerity, and honesty anymore.
87. I want a Boston Terrier puppy.
89. I hope all of my children go to college.
90. I am left handed, but I bat right handed.
91. I am a firm believer in Karma.
92. I believe in ghosts......alot.
93. The Saints ARE going to the superbowl, and somehow someway, I WILL BE THERE!
94. I've been a Saints fan since I can remember.
95. Because of 93, i might have to eat crow.
96. I am not ashamed to admit I want to be adored.
97. I rarely make apologies for me being me.
98. With all my inefficiencies, when I find me, I'm pretty sure I'll be good with it.
99. I like my green eyes.
100. When I get through this......I will be so much the better person.